A SAD PARODY

February 19, 2018

My gun kept nudging me to get out of bed.  He said he had enough of the target range but was full of anticipation to shoot real living people.  He said that it was the only thing that he could think of that would surpass the thrill of those countless video games he had played that were dedicated to shooting as many fake folks as possible.  To be sure, they were fun…fast and furious, but after thousands of exposures they lacked the final lust for death and destruction.  After conquering each game with efficient expertise, my gun felt good about the preparation the video games had provided for his big moment in the news spotlight.

My gun, which I affectionately named Satan, loved to watch television and movies that featured multiple murders.  There are so many of them available that he would often sit up the entire night to absorb the maximum amount of information.  The planning, strategies, and escapes that were portrayed aided in his own blueprint for bloodshed.  I clearly remember the morning he told me about a great idea he saw in one film which resulted in an optimum number of people flooding the hallways.  When I inquired about the idea, he responded with an obvious sadistic joy that it was quite simple….just pull the fire alarm!

Satan has always been fascinated with news casts that headline mass shootings of any description which is somewhat understandable, but he also has an unusual twist in his viewing habits.  There was a certain captivation for the variety of shows that enabled ordinary people to be idolized for a specific talent.  He once remarked that his talent was singular but always hoped it could one day be a headline.

My gun has spent an inordinate amount of time in front of the computer accessing social media and who knows what else?  At one point he posted several threatening statements that I thought might incur a government investigation.  But my firearm was undeterred, holding to the opinion that the FBI was far more interested in trashing Trump than uncovering Satan’s existence and designs.  He reminded me that the ATF even gave guns to the Mexican cartel which were utilized in the killing of Border Agent Brian Terry.

My gun has a surprising interest in politics.  For example, he cheers every time the ACLU is successful in forcing the removal of the Ten Commandments from any public venue.  He finds that part about “thou shalt not kill” particularly offensive.  Satan has always been highly in favor of pro-choice, believing it saves bullets.  Before my gun dropped out of school, the only courses that captured his interest were science classes that focused on evolution because his teachers told him that there is no morality in the survival of the species.  He had no interest in American history even though guns were used to secure our very unique freedom.  Internet propaganda had convinced him that Sharia law was a far better approach to structuring a society.

My gun appreciates the weather of southern Florida but has often said he could put up with the harsher climate of Chicago.  Guns rise up every night and roam the streets searching for innocent victims; Satan finds that exhilarating - in addition to the more comfortable political climate of Rahm Emanuel’s City.

Satan is not necessarily opposed to religion; in fact, many faiths serve him well in his world view.  But Christianity that champions the Bible is to be avoided at all costs.  He frequently parrots that “the church is full of hypocrites.”  He finds it especially frustrating that many of the "Bible persuasion" are strong second amendment advocates but hold to an entirely different philosophy concerning their use.  That’s the crowd that applies for and receives concealed weapon permits.  Satan prefers the criminal element which has no use for such foolishness.

Satan periodically visits Gospel preaching churches but never feels welcome.  They spend way too much time addressing sin and its terrible consequences.  They speak of the depravity of man and the absolute necessity of the soul’s salvation.  They magnify Jesus and regularly talk of His shed blood and sacrifice for sinners, while maintaining that morality is absolute, and situational ethics are shifting sand.  They prayed for bakery owners who were dragged into court because they refused to abdicate from a Biblical conviction.  They condemn the decision of the Supreme Court to evict the Bible and prayer from the public schools.  My gun thinks these crazy Christians are a plague that should be eradicated, and simply smiled when his cousin recently eliminated a whole church full of them in Texas.

When the police took me down, handcuffed me and led me away to jail, I kept telling them, “It wasn’t me; it was the gun, really…it was the gun.”  Later that evening a fellow inmate said the news anchor on NBC agreed, for he too said, “It was the gun.”

And Satan laid in the bushes, laughing!

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